Where did the old me go...?

There's a version of me I haven't seen in a long time. She was light. Silly. Chaotic. A little weird. She laughed with her whole body. She danced in the kitchen even when there was no music playing. She pulled funny faces and made crude jokes at the worst times. She had a fire in her belly so ferocious that no one could take away.

I miss her.

Lately, I've been living with a fog all around me. Not always heavy, but always there. It feels like a kind of omnipresent darkness that will never fade away. My smile feels forced. My laugh, quieter. My effervescent humour - something that used to roll off me like second nature - is buried beneath layers of heaviness I never asked for. It's like I've been watching life through a window that I can't quite open.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still here - still functioning. But something feels... dulled. My sparkle, dimmed.

I've been asking myself "Where did the old me go?". And more painfully, "will she ever come back?".

We don't always lose ourselves all at once. Sometimes, we slowly forget the parts of ourselves that used to effortlessly glow.

It's hard to endure that kind of loss. Because no one died. But in a way, it feels like a part of me did...

However, I don't think she's gone. I don't think she's lost in the abyss. I think she's there, albeit beneath layers of sorrow and darkness, but she's there. She's just waiting for safe spaces, soft moments, and the quiet return of hope. She's hiding in the shadows... but I will find her.

So today, I'm choosing to trust that my light will return. Not all at once, not in a flood. But in tiny, quiet sparks. In a joke that slips out. In a memory that makes me giggle. In a moment where I'm smiling for no reason.

There's no pressure. No timeline. But when she does come back - the funny, weird, dancing in the kitchen and singing from the top of her lungs type of me - I'll welcome her like an old friend.

If you're feeling like this too, if you miss a part of yourself that used to shine, just know that you're not broken. You're not lost. The sparkle in your eyes is still there. It may be hidden beneath the tears, but the glimmer is not gone. You're still you. Always.

With love,

Sach x